How to Stop Judging People by Their Appearance when Dating

Dr. Susan Edelman
5 min readMay 20

Although the phrase, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” has been popular since 1860, people in our culture do it daily. Our culture bombards us with messages about the importance of looks and beauty. Bucking the tidal wave of attention to beautiful people takes true bravery.

When it comes to dating, it’s easy to fall into the trap of judging by appearances. You swipe by looks. You see a man who’s tall, dark, and handsome, and you assume he must be the perfect catch. But looks can be deceiving. What if he’s not the kind, loving, genuine man you’re looking for?

Finding love is about much more than just finding a man who looks good on paper. You need to look beyond the surface and get to know him for who he truly is. Don’t let his job, car, bank account, or appearance cloud your judgment. Take the time to find out about him on a deeper level. What are his core values? What motivates him? What are his dreams and aspirations? These are the factors that will determine whether you’re a good match or not.

Unfortunately, when you judge by looks, you might miss out on some wonderful men who don’t fit the mold you have fixed in your mind about what you want. You might not even give them a chance to impress you with their wit, charm, or loving nature.

Don’t forget the big picture. Your dating journey is about finding someone who aligns with your values, challenges you to be your best self, and supports you through thick and thin. You have many more options when you step outside your comfort zone to look below the surface and get to know a man for who he truly is.

Here are 7 tips to show you how to stop judging people by their looks:

1. Ask yourself why you feel the need to judge.

Not everyone judges others. Why do you? Did you learn to do it from your parents?Are you doing it because you feel insecure and need external validation? It’s possible that you feel better about yourself when you put someone else down. Understanding your insecurities can help you judge others less.

2. Know your triggers.

Maybe you aren’t normally someone who judges others, but occasionally that side of you comes out. Are you stressed, sleep deprived, or in…

Dr. Susan Edelman

Want to be one of the women over 40 who gets the kind of relationship she wants from a man? Find out your 7 Secret Advantages